If you have read my other post, you will know that I had some advice to leave my house for a night and go stay at a hotel or with a friend to get a rise out of my husband, so eventually we could start speaking to eachother again.
Well, he beat me to the punch! Last night my husband didn't come home. I woke up at all hours. It was a mess. But I didn't call him. I have to go to work today for a couple of hours now but, what must I do when I return??
What if he's home? What if he isn't? What do I say to him? I'm a mess. I've slept maybe 1 hour and now I have to go to work and grade tests for 3 hours. Please, if anyone could give me some advice, I'm worried that this could be the end of our relationship. What if he stayed with another woman? What if he crashed his car? I have too many horrible ideas running through my head. Please help.

Comments

  • exhibit_c said Sep 1, 2007...
    I can imagine how upset you are.When he does get home, you have to open some conversation. You want to converse and exchange ideas, but you don't want to argue. Basically you need a miracle for that. The best  I can suggest is something along the line of "I've tried and tried to figure out how we can start behaving more normal. Do you have any ideas?"And refuse to argue.
  • suprastar333 said Sep 1, 2007...
    Thank you for taking the time to give me some feedback. I really appreciate it. However, he's still not home! I had to go to work today (no fun on Saturday) and I can tell that he came home while I was away because his pillow is back on the bed and pasta is missing from the fridge. But off again he went, and I've been home for 5 hours now and no sign of him. It's 10pm... so mostlikely he will be away until after 2am again. Tomorrow is supposed to be our 7 year anniversary. I'm so sad I could cry. I don't understand why he has to do this? It seems like he can be happy with or without me. Unfortunately, I'm not in the same mind-set. Is this normal? Do other couples really have these problems? I can't imagine that there can be more like me but, the world is so big. I hope not because I feel at an all-time low and I would hate for someone to feel like I do.
  • secretlife said Sep 1, 2007...
    this is NOT normal. married men don't normally sleep outside their home without telling their wives where they're sleeping unless there are some very bad problems.   personally, i'd take out the phone book and call a locksmith.  I'd change a few locks on the doors.  I think that might get his attention.  He can't just walk in and out whenever he feels like it, and he can't avoid conversations like a two year old child to get his way.   7 years huh?  you might tell him you're not going another week with him unless he can sit down and have a conversation like an adult.  And the two of you need couples counseling.  you cannot resolve this issue on your own no matter how you think you can.       
  • gingersoul said Sep 1, 2007...
    Supra........it made me sad reading your post.... i have been in your same situation .....even my (then) husband started not coming home at night. And even more times he showed up at 4 or 5 in the morning. Not a big difference, if you ask me.   I am sorry to twist the knife on the wound but it looks to me he is having an affair. Or he is entertaining himself in a manner that could lead him to an affair..   There is never another good reason why a husband is not at home at night....   I used to come home and notice he have already been in and get out again..... I would call him and he would never answer my calls if not way later on and when he would tell me he was coming home he would show up 3-5 hours later... Well...we are divorced now and he is married with the same woman he was spending those nights out    I would be drastic as Secret suggests...change the locks...i should have done myself when i was in your situation....   I used to tell him that our home wasn't a hotel where he coudl get in and out when he liked...    You need to grab the bull by the horns and dont wait a second.... I am sorry for you.
  • husbandhater said Sep 1, 2007...
    Sounds like your marriage is already in trouble if you guys are not talking and he is spending the night out without you and a courtesy call explaining his whereabouts. Nows' the time to sit and talk and ask the hard questions to discover if your marriage is salvable or if it has run it's course? What ever you guys conclude I wish you all the best and much happiness. And be honest with yourself and with eachother. If there are certain things you cannot honestly live with or get over then donot proceed with this marriage b/c all you are going to do is cause eachother more pain and drama trying to hold on to what has past it's time.
  • exhaustedwife said Sep 27, 2007...
    I am going through the same thing right now. my husband tells me he loves me but he always wants to go out and i stay at home with the kids. he wont come home until 4am sometimes and i know there is no good reason for that. he left again tonight and told me he'd be home early at 12 but it's 1:45 and still no sign of him. I called and asked where he was at 12:30 but he said he had to go hangout w/ a friend. i told him that i was done and that i wanted to leave and all he could do was hang up on me. I thought that might push him back into reality and make him come home to talk to me but no such luck. I'm so miserable w/ him but i dont know how to get out????
  • jenny2008 said Mar 13, 2008...
    Wow, I too have the same problems as exhaustedwife. I too am just plain tired. My husband comes home at like 2-4 am says he needs space. We have no childred, but he acts like we are not even married. When I try to have conversations with him about it, he just blows up and says your the problem. I cant even be with my friends for an hour or two and you come looking for me and call me. He too hangs up on me. He just doesnt care. Yet he tells me how much he loves me and cares for me. He doesnt go out all the time, just like 3 days a week. Which to me is a lot, but not to him. hummm i guess. He hurts my feelings when he doesnt come home. I try to tell him that and he freaks out on me. I dont know what to do. Its hard because I love him so much, yet i hate him with the same breath. I really wish i never would have met him. Any help out there helps. just wish i knew how to forget him!
  • kelkal said May 31, 2008...
    my husband is 55 and we've been married 9 yrs. I am 53. An unknown 30 yr old female began calling my home after my husband said for the first time in our 9 yr marriage that he was going to check out a friends fishing boat after work. I slept on the couch waiting for his return, only to have this 30 yr old woman call to see if he made it back safe in the taxi. That was at 2:28 am. He came home at 2:30 am a few minutes later and she recalled him.The next day she called him again and two days later leaving a message that she was sorry she did'nt get back to him, she ended up not spendi the night got in late and did'nt have her phone charger  with her. He left for an all night fishing trip two nights later leaving me a a note when I got home from work.My daugternlaw said he was wearing a white shirt and he was wearing a pullover shirt when he arrived home next morning at 6:30am. The 30 yr old continued to call at 2:am and I confronted her.She said he was only her friend and had told her he was divorced.I blew up.His best friend called me and said my husband had flipped over this 30 yr old and was having an affair.His friend has since died but the other woman also told me my husband had wrecked her life. My husband denys it all ,broke all contact with both of them.Who to believe
  • quinones304 said Mar 8, 2009...
    I guess we all have something in common here. My bf of 3 yrs., w/ whom we have a 2 yr. child in common, recentley split up. There has always been probs., but we ironed those out, and split up for 1 1/2, and he has been living w/ a friend. While he was gone, I found he had been visiting numerous porn, and dating sites. Which he said was all in fun, and wasnt going to actually "do anything". (Yeah right). He finally called me Friday night, at 5 am, and I let him come by to get some of his things, (and then some). He led me on to think that we could work things out, he just "needed space". So he comes back Sat. eve., to get all "dressed out", and leaves, saying he's going to "chill w/ some friends", and he'll be back. I call his cell at 2 am, and he's at a bar. This man has never went out to a bar the whole 3 yrs. I've been w/ him. He says, "You don't go to clubs, unless you are looking for somebody". So, I get hung up on, then he wont answer the phone. I call back at 4 am., and he had turned his phone off, and I was just getting his VM. So, I 8 am, I finally get a hold of him, and he answers the phone by, "What is it"? And ofcourse, when I ask him where he is, he asks, "Why", and I get hung up on again. One of two things, these men, really just need a little time w/ friends, and want us to think they really have a life, when they don't. Or they are seeing somebody else, and she's not good enough for him to leave us. I don't really care anymore, two can play that game. Act like you don't care, and when they call, or try to come around, give them no response.
  • claudiabyrd said Jul 21, 2010...
    i had the same problem my husband and i being married for 2 years and 3 moths now and he had stayed out of the house for 3 days in the role without calling me or telling me where he is at and with who..the last time that happend he was with his fucking ugly ass exgirlfriend from 7 years ago he had been talinking with her ang seeing her behind my back evenr though he said he never sleep with her i dont believe him..t hen affter that he promise me he wont talk toher againg well i catch him at the bar talking and drinking with her when her and he told me he was going to his dad house i feel so bad in the point that i wanted to divorce him.. i found her in facebbok and told her to respect our marriage she text him saying ur wife is crazy..im not crazy it just that some hoes dont respect marriage ans somehow they always wanted to came into our marriage and make us fight.. how do i make him understand that the best thing to do is changue his phone number.. that he had had the same number fot the past of 7 years thats why old his ex still calling him.. even thought almost all his friends that i know know about us being married.. what do i do i cant control the situation anymore he lock his phone all the time and when he dont lock it and i go to it i always find out he been talking with womans and texting them stuffat make me uncomfortable because were married he should respect me.. he thinks is normal for him to do and im just anoy.. th
  • HakunaMatata said Feb 20, 2011...
    My husband of 7 years now has been a big problem to me first of all he is a drunkard and second he never pays our bills on time to make this worse this man rarely tells me that he loves me not a single day have heard him say it. He never buys any gifts for me yet he buys so many for himself, he is the soul provider but am so tired of him though i love him but its time to pak up and go with my 4 year old daughter. Its even worse whenever we have a small problem he never says anything the only thing he does is nod his head and says i have heard you. There is no proper communication sometimes this makes me mad that i make noise all by myself. Today he slept out and its almost midday and he is no where to be seen nor call to say where he is.  I want to go separate ways am so tired.
  • Rosnier said Jul 6, 2011...
    I also relate to ALL of you girls.. and let me tell you its not easy being in our shoes... Men abuse us mentally in so many ways that we can never forgive nor forgot.. They complain of us keeping grudges.. but its there habits that kills slowly the TRUST... I went through those long nights of wonders!!!! not knowing where nor with whom he would be and at times he would not come home at all... My problem also is I am involved with a man that chooses to always put his family first!!! To the point that even treats me indifferently when around them...He just takes off to his mothers house where he just makes his own plans.....  he leaves like a single man and just takes off and must of the times picks up a fight... mind me we been together for many many years now..I gave up now trying to fix things because I have been feeling like i am  the only ONE in the relationship...and its wasn't fair for me to look for him when he didn't think of his actions nor my feelings before acting upon them... I should not be kissing his ass for something he brought upon his self.......  I am at the point where it doesn't bother me as much anymore .. I've gotten so use to it!!!!  he wants to keep hurting me .. but doesn't as much anymore..  because I don't see him with the same eyes anymore..... It seems like what he fixes something with one hand... he fucks it up with the other hand... I am not perfect!!!! but I have always believed.. "Don't do to them what you dont want them to do to you"  with that said... he will not take my joy away...!!!!
  • Rosnier said Jul 6, 2011...
    I also relate to ALL of you girls.. and let me tell you its not easy being in our shoes... Men abuse us mentally in so many ways that we can never forgive nor forgot.. They complain of us keeping grudges.. but its there habits that kills slowly the TRUST... I went through those long nights of wonders!!!! not knowing where nor with whom he would be and at times he would not come home at all... My problem also is I am involved with a man that chooses to always put his family first!!! To the point that even treats me indifferently when around them...He just takes off to his mothers house where he just makes his own plans.....  he leaves like a single man and just takes off and must of the times picks up a fight... mind me we been together for many many years now..I gave up now trying to fix things because I have been feeling like i am  the only ONE in the relationship...and its wasn't fair for me to look for him when he didn't think of his actions nor my feelings before acting upon them... I should not be kissing his ass for something he brought upon his self.......  I am at the point where it doesn't bother me as much anymore .. I've gotten so use to it!!!!  he wants to keep hurting me .. but doesn't as much anymore..  because I don't see him with the same eyes anymore..... It seems like what he fixes something with one hand... he fucks it up with the other hand... I am not perfect!!!! but I have always believed.. "Don't do to them what you dont want them to do to you"  with that said... he will not take my joy away...!!!!
  • Rosnier said Jul 6, 2011...
    I also relate to ALL of you girls.. and let me tell you its not easy being in our shoes... Men abuse us mentally in so many ways that we can never forgive nor forgot.. They complain of us keeping grudges.. but its there habits that kills slowly the TRUST... I went through those long nights of wonders!!!! not knowing where nor with whom he would be and at times he would not come home at all... My problem also is I am involved with a man that chooses to always put his family first!!! To the point that even treats me indifferently when around them...He just takes off to his mothers house where he just makes his own plans.....  he leaves like a single man and just takes off and must of the times picks up a fight... mind me we been together for many many years now..I gave up now trying to fix things because I have been feeling like i am  the only ONE in the relationship...and its wasn't fair for me to look for him when he didn't think of his actions nor my feelings before acting upon them... I should not be kissing his ass for something he brought upon his self.......  I am at the point where it doesn't bother me as much anymore .. I've gotten so use to it!!!!  he wants to keep hurting me .. but doesn't as much anymore..  because I don't see him with the same eyes anymore..... It seems like what he fixes something with one hand... he fucks it up with the other hand... I am not perfect!!!! but I have always believed.. "Don't do to them what you dont want them to do to you"  with that said... he will not take my joy away...!!!!

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